By David Leonhardt

 I must have been feeling particularly gutsy. "Pee-ew! You smell like the dump on the tenth day of a record-breaking chronic heat wave."

I admit that it's not something I would say to Attila the Hun during a pre-battle sword-sharpening ceremony. But it was just my buddy Bart, and I was certain the Huns were busy causing trouble elsewhere.

"Pee-ew! You have bad breath," I repeated.

When the telephone rang that evening, the last voice I expected to greet me was that of Bad Breath Bart. "How's it going, Happy Guy? Personally, I'm feeling stupendous," he said. "Want to guess why?"

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By David Leonhardt

 Occasionally, I've been known to be somewhat opinionated. Oops. My wife just caught that typo. I am told I have been known to be VERY opinionated. I have at least two opinions on just about every topic. I am sure there are times when people have felt like rearranging my face. Unfortunately (for them!) there is no legal method for them to do that

Being a kind and generous individual, I have been searching for ways to help these unfortunate victims of my over-active opinionation. Finally, I have found a way to rearrange my face.

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By David Leonhardt

 Have you ever noticed how much our world runs on statistics? That's because statistics never lie, of course. So I am here to offer help with statistics – to sort out all those conflicting truths. Here are a few very alarming statistics.

Almost half of the world's population earns a below-average income.

These demographics totally shocked me. I was under the impression that almost half of the world's population earns an above-average income. But then I discovered it is the reverse. I needed help with statistics, so I phoned my Uncle "Stats" Gyula.

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By David Leonhardt

 Ever since I began working for that Orlando Florida vacation homes website, I have been plagued by recurring nightmares. I am haunted at night by the spirits of hotel rooms past

There was a time when I traveled quite a bit on business. Thankfully, I don't hotels hop any more. But at night I float off to a hotel room far away in time...

The day's work done, I checked some emails and phoned home to check up on the kids. It seems there was a shouting match going on at the other end of the line. It sounded like Pandemonium was winning, but Total Bedlam was making some noise, too. I sensed that Chaos could not be far behind.

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By David Leonhardt

 Every now and then a quarrel breaks out down at the barber shop, lines are drawn, challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What is the greatest sport on earth?

Some say "football". Some say "baseball". Canadians say "hockey". The rest of the world says "soccer". (Actually, they say "football", too...but they mean "soccer".)

I say: "kissing". Yes, kissing is the greatest sport on earth. Allow me to explain just a few of the reasons.

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By John Kinde

Humor is more than just words.

Humor is one of the most effective tools for connecting with an audience. It builds bonds and refreshes the mind. And although the right words can make people laugh, humor is more than just words. As speakers, we learn that the impact of humor is heightened by how you say it, what you do when you say it, and how you use silence...the pause. The pause adds punch to the punchline!

One of the reasons the pause strengthens your laugh lines is that it builds tension. There is a relationship between tension and laughter. It's easier to use comic timing when you understand that relationship. So let's examine the link.

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By John Kinde

Most humor in the real-world setting is unplanned. It just happens.

Most humor in the business setting is unplanned. It just happens. Spontaneous events with clients and co-workers create the surprises and uncomfortable situations which call for humor as a coping tool.

We all have differing abilities to recognize, appreciate and create humor. How's your HQ (humor quotient)? Do you work with people who are full of wit?

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By John Kinde

How to prepare a Roast that will be a hit.

Here are some thoughts to ensure success when you're in charge of a roast:

1. Be sure that the guest of honor wants a roast. Don't make it a surprise! Talk to the honoree and ensure that he or she is as excited about the idea of a roast as you are. The guest of honor needs to know in advance because he or she plays just as big a role as the roasters do.
2. Select a Roastmaster who can be consistently funny in good taste. The Roastmaster is the MC of the event who makes all the introductions.

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By John Kinde

How the magic of fresh humor grabs the audience.

If you have ever used an original piece of humor, something created from an observation in the present moment, you know how powerful that can be. Here are some quick tips on why spontaneous and observational humor has impact.

1. For the past 25 years I have scored the entertainment value of my programs and jokes. Here is what I've learned about audience response. Observational and spontaneous humor raises the humor value of your lines by two notches. On a scale of one-to-ten, a funny line written specifically for the audience will get a response two points higher than a generic joke. If a humor line's normal laugher response would rate a 7 (specifically your personal rating for the quality of the audience response to a joke), when that same line is custom-designed for the audience, it will receive a 9 response value.

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By John Kinde

An impromptu quip will hit the target more often than a canned joke.

Imagine this. I arrive at a junior high school auditorium for a teacher inservice program. While setting up my session, I note two unrelated signs posted one above the other. Most of the 300 arriving faculty members had seen those signs many times. But probably none saw them as I did. In my opening remarks, I shared with them, "This is a unique facility. Look at the sign over the back door. 'Restroom_Capacity 475!'" That fresh and creative bit of humor helped me attract interest and build a relationship with the audience.

Spontaneous humor is a wonderful way to connect with an audience. An impromptu quip will hit the target more often than a canned joke. Audiences are flattered when the humor is created just for them. The teachers knew the comment about the signs was not a part of my script. And often, an improvised touch of humor lends a fresh appeal to your entire talk.

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I have two sixteen year old boys. I have one 6 year old son. I have two girls under the age of 18 months. I have learned how to handle the boys. I have a great deal of experience with boys. I was once a boy. That helps.

With girls however, I am breaking new ground. All of my children are perfect of course. Yet for some reason my eighteen month old little girl sometimes, well quite honestly, she makes me tremble with fear. Is she adorable? Absolutely. Does she make me laugh? Multiple times every day.

I am sure you are wondering by this point what exactly is the problem. I will tell you. She has an utter fascination with shoes.

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You've been backing up your computer diligently for a year now because you've heard all the horror stories about computers crashing and losing everything. So, just when you think you've got all your bases covered, a burglar comes in and robs not only your computer, but your backup drive as well. Never thought about online backup, right? Next time.

You've been looking forward to your golfing trip with your buddies all week and Saturday morning is finally here. You're out on the course, hole 9 to be exact.

You hit a, how shall we put it- not so accurate shot- that rolls through the trees before it lands on the other side- surprisingly closer to the hole as you'd guessed. You continue onto hole 10, 11, 12, and uh oh... your arm starts to itch. The ball had rolled through poison ivy. Didn't think to check out the shrubbery it rolled through after hole 9 right? Next time.

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I remember when I was a little kid and me and some friends were all staying over at the same house we used to pour water on the wrist of the person who dared to fall asleep first. This was an attempt to get them to wet themselves. I do not think it ever worked.

Eventually when we got older we advanced to drawing on their faces with permanent markers. Perhaps we would put shaving cream on their nose and then attempt to tickle their nose so they would smack the shaving creme thereby splattering it all over. This is just the type of thing we did in Indiana.

Two young men in California have taken it to a higher level. They do not mess around in California.

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It's a strange fact of life that we say things to our teenagers, that we know beyond a shadow of a doubt, they will totally ignore. Yet we continue to say these things in the vain hope that they might just obey us. It's like saying to Attila the Hun, "Be nice!"
Many of us labour under the delusion that our teenagers are actually absobing these words. But teenagers have a sort of parent sheild, that deflects all but our most strident (or pain inducing) instructions. They also have selective deafness. They didn't hear our shouted instruction, three times, to go and bath, but they can hear a sweet packet open at 235 yards.

So here are the 12 greatest waste of time utterances a parent can make...

1. "Go shower, and don't use all the hot water."

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As fathers, we are usually not very good at communicating with our teenage daughters. We can get by, to an extent, by remaining silent as much as possible. Sometimes, though, we have to answer questions, give commands (which are usually instantly disobeyed) and give our opinion. Us Dads know, of course, that our opinion ranks way down there, a little lower than pond slime, but we have to give it anyway.

There are some utterances, though, that are invitations to disaster. These you should avoid at all costs, if you want to have a reasonably quiet life. Here's 10 of the worst...

1. Are you getting fat?

2. Give me your cellphone. I want to check your calls. A better idea than this is to go find a grizzly bear and kick it in the ribs with your spiked hiking boots. You'll come off better.

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