Relationship Counseling: The importance of supporting your mate

By Dr. Ellen

 Dear Dr. Ellen: My fiancee recently told me that she had sex with her ex-boyfriend that was videotaped. I'm afraid of what he could be doing with the tape(s). Now I'm having second thoughts about marrying her, what should I do? Please respond. - Robert

Dear Robert: You can bet that in any long-term relationship, sooner or later, some unforeseen past event will wreck havoc in you or your mate's life. For you, it has come sooner rather than later. It is because you are probably a very loving and kind man that your fiancee felt safe enough to share her past with you. She trusted you. Don't make her feel sorry that she did. If you do, she'll never open herself up again to you. She took a leap of faith and was completely honest with you about her past. If you are not understanding and sympathetic now, it may be the last time she ever takes that chance again.

The past is over and it cannot be changed. Most of us come into a relationship with excess baggage, things we would like to change and experiences we wish had never happened. Your tenderness and love has the ability to heal her wounds and make her feel whole again. Don't waste this opportunity. It's a gift you can give her for the rest of your life together.

If her ex-boyfriend gives out the tapes, your fiancee will need you more than ever. She'll need a man she can count on to be there for her no matter what! The most important words a woman can hear when she is going through an embarrassing situation like this is, "Honey, I'm here for you," or "Don't worry, we'll go through this together." If you are not up for the job, then you should not get married. The worst thing you can do, is marry her and then make her feel badly and guilty for something that cannot be changed. - Dr. Ellen