Relationship Counseling: My sister and I disagree about my 93 year-old aunt

By Dr. Ellen

 Dear Ellen: I am a 54-year-old man and my sister is 57 years old. We have an aunt who is 93 years old. She has worked her whole life and has saved $40,000. She has a pension and Social Security. She is afraid to live alone anymore, so she recently moved to the state that I live in and has entrusted my sister and I with her life savings. She is now in an assisted living apartment and I pay the bills. Recently, my sister has decided to also move to this state and she wants to buy a house. She asked me if it was OK if she took $30,000 of my aunt's money to use towards a down payment on this house with the understanding that she would pay it back within a couple of months. I told her that it is not our money and that I did not want her to do it. She exploded, saying that she did not have to ask me and that she could take it if she wants but decided to ask me anyway.

She was very upset, telling me that she can't believe I would not let her have the money. She opted to cash in her bonds that were worth about $70,000. She says that my actions cost her over $5,000 in taxes and that I was very selfish. She blames me for her $5,000 cost and has not spoken to me in over a month. I told her that I was sorry that it cost her that money. Could you please comment on this? - Jack

Dear Jack: I don't think you did anything wrong. You did exactly what a decent, honorable nephew should do when his aunt entrusts him with her money. Your sister was out of line in this situation and I can only hope that, as she gets closer to your aunt's age, she finds someone as honest and protective as you. You may want to write her a letter and once again tell her that you are so sorry that you've hurt her but you felt that it was not your money to give. Let her know that if she was the same age and had entrusted her life savings to someone, she would not want to see that money being used for other purposes. If something had happened to your sister before she was able to pay back that loan, there's a good chance that your aunt would have been evicted from her place and who knows what would have happened next. Your aunt and you and your sister would have had a whole new set of problems to deal with. It just wasn't worth the risk. If, after you send this letter, she refuses to talk to you; there is nothing you can do except to know in your heart that you did the right thing. It may take years for her to realize that she and her aunt are very lucky to have a man with the character you have in their lives. - Dr. Ellen