Relationship Counseling: I love him but I am not ready for marriage

By Dr. Ellen

 Dear Ellen: I have a problem with my fiancee. He is the sweetest guy I've ever known, I mean that. He asked me to marry him about a month ago, and of course I said yes. I really want to marry him but I don't feel ready and want to wait. I know if I tell him that, we will never get married. What should I do? - Heidi

Dear Heidi: Often couples are at different stages in their lives. A few examples are: One may be going to school and the other has already graduated or one is building a career and the other isn't focused on that or one is ready for a committed relationship, the other isn't. When this occurs there has to be respect for each other's goals and stages of life. Here is where the saying, "Patience is a virtue," applies. The one who is ready for a committed relationship or marriage has to wait for the other to catch up. You should not force yourself to go from point A to C if you are only at point B in your life. And if you are not ready, for whatever reason, your boyfriend should respect that. It should have nothing to do with his love for you. So if you feel that by telling him the truth, you will lose him, so be it! There is a big difference between you saying, "I'm too young, or I don't feel ready" and saying, "You are not the person that I want to spend my life with." In the latter case, he should leave. Many times a person tells the truth but their mate doesn't want to hear it. In the case where the person feels too young or isn't ready, the one who is, has to slow down. The slower one has to set the pace of the relationship. If you force yourself to speed up and go against your own instincts, you will only resent him in the long run and the relationship will end anyway.

If he truly wants to spend the rest of his life with you, then he may be hurt but he will try and respect your feelings. If he doesn't, the relationship is not meant to be. I am a great believer that if a relationship is meant to be, nothing you say or do is going to change that. If, on the other hand, a relationship is not meant to be, then nothing you say or do will change that as well. If you are not ready, then don't do it until you are. Good luck. - Dr. Ellen