Relationship Counseling: A message about the tragedy of 9/11

By Dr. Ellen

 Dear Valued Friends: In light of what happened on 9/11 I felt that it was important to send all of you a personal message rather than answer someone's relationship question. So many people postpone their happiness and quality of time spent with their mate and children because they honestly believe that there is always tomorrow. "Someday, when I have more money, someday when I lose some weight, someday when I'm less stressed, someday when I'm not so tired, that's when I'll concentrate on my personal life." In fact, some of you may be living your life according to Mark Twain's quip, "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." The lesson we all received on 9/11 was, that none of us know if we will have a tomorrow!

Listen to me when I say, don't put your relationship on hold for another minute. The truth is that you or the person you love may not have tomorrow.

One of the coping skills that has kept me going my entire life is that I always had a bottom line. Whenever things got out of hand and I became emotional, I'd say to myself, "Look Ellen, the bottom line is, this is not a life and death situation, so just calm down!" It usually worked. It certainly worked when I tried to potty train my kids too early, had a disagreement with a neighbor, or had a deadline to meet. In 1991, after my diagnosis of breast cancer, my bottom line was suddenly pulled out from under me and was rendered useless. This WAS a life and death situation. I no longer had a bottom line and I was in a state of panic. As I learned to live with my disease, I discovered a new bottom line. NO ONE KNOWS IF THEY WILL HAVE TOMORROW. I used to think that people who died unexpectedly from a heart attack or an accident were lucky to die instantly. I don't think so anymore. Now, when I hear about someone killed in a car accident, a plane crash, or in a terrorist attack, I wonder what they would have said and done differently in the past year or the day before, if they had known with absolute certainty that their life was going to end on that particular day. I wish I could give all of you the same sense of urgency that I feel. You do not know how much time you have left to love your mate the way he or she deserves to be loved. We are here for such a short time so it is imperative to make that time count. No one wants a life filled with regrets. Love like there's no tomorrow, because in the end, love is the only thing that counts. My heart goes out to all of you. We have all been affected by this tragedy. Warmest Regards, Dr. Ellen